Tom was out on a dinner date with his wife Jen. Things are going great, no texts from the babysitter about the kids misbehaving, they haven’t fought at all and best of all Tom’s past sexual acting out hasn’t even been a blip on tonight’s radar. Tom reminds Jen they need to pick up some milk on the way home from their date and then it happens… Jen’s face slowly changes. Tom can see it as her posture is different and she suddenly feels a mile away hidden behind a 50-foot-high concrete wall.
Then Jen speaks…
“How could you?” or maybe “I can’t believe…” or “You’re such a Jerk!" And just like, that everything changes. Tom is stunned, discouraged and probably wants to defend himself but has no idea how things even got here. One-minute things seem to be going okay, maybe even good and then something benign is said triggering a change in the whole evening!
Has this ever happened to you? Maybe the topic or the location is different, but out of the seemingly clear blue sky there comes a lightening bolt. What happened? What do you do? What DON'T you do? Let’s jump in.
Let’s begin with by looking at your phone or computer for a second. Both have a short-term memory system that accesses information quickly that allows you to go from one app to the next quickly so you can keep on multitasking, until you open one too many. Then it freezes and it can’t process one more thing.
This is true of us too. Humans have an amazing ability to process multiple streams of information simultaneously. Right now, you may be reading this on your phone and listening to music. Someone nearby is talking and you are subconsciously deciding is that conversation interesting, do you need to pay attention, do you want to join in and talk with them? Then there is what’s on today's agenda, work, family, other responsibilities on the to do list. Then there is that thing that happened yesterday too, plus all the effort to keep your mind right with any sexual thoughts that come floating through…all while trying to read this. That’s just a few of the things running through your mind at any given moment. Like a computer, these are the ‘programs’ running in the background of your mind.
This is true for a wife also. She is thinking about the kids, work, dinner, things around the house, does her outfit make her look bad? The list is long. Now add to that her discovery of her husband's sexual past. His secrets, the lies and all those doubts and lingering questions she has been thinking about for a while. We haven't even mentioned the hurts or wounds she may be struggling with from her past that may have nothing to do with her husband directly, but all these things are using up her brain’s short-term memory until it happens. Like a computer, her brain is forced to process too many things that overloads her system.
You are probably thinking, “this makes sense if Tom did something stupid, but this is milk. How is “getting milk too much?” It's because of what the milk can trigger in Jen's head. Triggers can be anything at all. Sure, some are obvious like checking out the waitress or saying something inappropriate or breaking my word. But other times, it is something outside our direct control, like something from media or another person. Heck, it can be a commercial or even something at church! These things look like, sound like or smell like a past betrayal or wound that exceeds her mental and emotional capacity right now. When this happens, she is transported back to the original betrayal or wound and ‘feels' the same emotion as she did at the moment of the original hurt.
So, when Tom mentioned milk, Jen saw the grocery store, which is on the same street as the hardware store, that reminds Jen of the porn star Tom was viewing. Instantly, Jen feels all the hurt, anger, shame, humiliation, and other emotions she experienced when she saw that on Tom’s phone last year. Jen then goes one of two ways. She can shut down and go silent to stuff away her hurt and concern, OR she can fight back by accusing, asking questions, throwing the “kitchen sink” at Tom, so she can protect herself and hopefully feel safe somehow.
This causes Tom to react. Maybe he shuts down, getting small and quiet, hoping this will all go away. Tom might fight back by defending himself. “What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything wrong!” Or the big one, “You’re being unfair.” Any of these responses will escalate this situation and create more conflict that leads to hurting each other even more. They cause resentments and over time this drives them further apart.
So how should Tom respond instead of reacting? I am glad you asked.
First, Tom needs to recognize “This is not about me.” You may be thinking how can that be? Tom was the guy who looked at porn, of course it's about Tom. She called him a “jerk!” How is that not about Tom?
It is not about Tom because this memory is about last year. That is not who Tom is today. Today Tom is in recovery, working to stay emotionally and sexually healthy. He is NOT that guy from last year, so Jen’s words are NOT about Tom who is present and listening to Jen. So Tom can say to himself, “This is not about me.” Tom CANNOT say this out loud, because hearing this distinction will not help Jen right now.
It’s important that Tom sees himself as a man in recovery and separate from the man Jen is describing right now while she is in her pain. When Tom does this, it allows him to listen to her pain without any need to correct the facts, defend, or help Jen in any way other than being present with her in her pain.
The Second thing Tom needs to do for Jen is to name what he is seeing. “I can see how much you’re struggling right now.” By sharing what he is observing, (the struggle, the difficulty, how Jen is triggered or activated right now) Tom lets Jen know he is "seeing” her and her hurt. This may aggravate Jen right now, but Tom is okay, because she is upset at another guy, not him. Tom can stay present with Jen and her pain even when her emotions toward the other guy splash onto him, because he remembers his job is to be with her, not fix her.
After listening to Jen’s hurt, the Third thing Tom needs to do is to comfort and reassure Jen. This could look like him reminding her of his commitment to the work he is continuing, the group he is attending, or his sobriety date. He can assure Jen he is right here with her and he is not going anywhere. These are some of the things that can reassure Jen that Tom is in this with her and committed to his healing and protecting her heart. IF Tom needs to add something to his recovery practices as a result of what Jen shared, then this is an ideal place to share that with her. Tom can ask Jen what she needs right now so she can take care of herself and process what she is feeling. Then, Tom needs to do whatever he can to give Jen what she needs. He must stay open to Jen throughout this process, otherwise he risks sending the message to her that he cannot handle her emotions in this critical stage of healing, which can easily lead to Jen staying stuck in her hurt and unable to move forward.
This example of Jen and Tom's triggering is a natural part of the recovery process. If If/when a man can master his own emotional health, he can be safe for his wife to share and process her wounds and hurt, this allows the space for trust to grow. If you need help like Tom, check out our Men's Empathy Builder Group.
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