The LIST

I‘ve always loved Christmas. The music, the decorations, the snow on the trees and of course the gifts! One of my first Christmas memories was when I was three or four years old and lived in Norfolk County, Massachusetts. It is the kind of place where everyone decorates for Christmas. Neighbors line their roofs with colorful lights, Main Street is adorned with wreaths and trees with the sounds of the holiday season are heard everywhere. The crown jewel of it all was the mall all decked out for the jolly old elf himself. It looked like Buddy the Elf had been decorating for weeks. This was the first time I was big enough to tell Santa what I wanted him to bring me. I wanted a Star-bird spaceship with all its lights and sounds. It was the coolest thing ever!

I remember waiting for hours to see Santa. (OK it was probably a little shorter than that, but I hadn’t figured out the whole big hand little hand thing yet) After the eternity of waiting passed, I stepped up and saw the plump old guy with his brilliant white beard and matching gloves. As they placed me on his lap, Santa and I exchanged the required pleasantries, then he turned to ask me the big question. I had it memorized just right, "I want the Star-bird spaceship with flashing lights and real blast off sounds!"

Santa looked me in the eye and asked,

“Have you been a good boy?” 

What?!? That wasn’t what he was supposed to ask me! I mean, I knew from the movies and TV specials, even the songs told me he knows, he sees if I have been bad or good. I instantly thought of the “extra” piece of fudge when no one was looking. Those times I didn’t wash my face, or the teeth I forgot to brush. I was filled with dread, Oh no! So, I BLUFFED and told Santa I had been a good boy. But even as I left, I just knew I wasn’t good enough.

On the ride home I cried to my mom and shared my fears about not being a good boy and what I feared that meant to Santa. That’s when Mom told me that “Your good deeds count extra at Christmas” and if I was extra good Santa would know. I dried my eyes believing there was still time to tip the scales in my favor. I was determined to try harder, to do more good things and be a good boy! I made sure to wash my hands…with soap even. I made my bed every day, I brushed my teeth, I even flossed, once. Then on Christmas morning, under the tree was the Star-bird spaceship with flashing lights and real blast off sounds! I was over the top excited! I did it! I did enough good to outweigh all the bad and get what I was longing for.

That experience with Santa became how I viewed God. When I thought about it, they are both old guys with big, long beards who wanted people to be good. They both see and know all the bad stuff I did. So, I believed I needed to do good things and be better for goodness sake. As life went on, I continued to hear that voice in my head, “Have you been a good boy?”  So I went on striving hard to be all God wants me to be, working on my stuff so I could be close to God. Hoping that would make Him pleased with me.

It had been some time since I got my last gift from Santa, but I still thought God was keeping a list just like Santa, with a ledger with my good deeds on one side and my bad ones on the other. But I was always coming up short and I felt exhausted comparing my actual thoughts and actions to what I ought to be doing. It was never good enough. As life went on, I heard that voice in my head over and over again, “Have you been a good boy?” but one day I read Jesus’ voice say:

 “Come to me, all of you that are tired. You did a lot of ceremony things to get God to save you, but that is not the right way. It’s like you worked hard, and you carried a lot of heavy things, and then you got too tired. Look, instead of that, just come and work for me, and I will let you rest really good. Be my follower and work for me. Listen to the things I teach you, and you will feel good inside yourselves, like your spirit is resting. You see, I am not a big tough boss. I will be easy on you. I will never ask you to do things that are too hard for you.”

Matthew 11:28-30 PEV

That really sounded good… but I knew all the times I cussed under my breath, the lies I told or the secret thoughts I had. If I couldn’t judge myself as good enough, God must really see me as a failure, then a colleague recommended a book that challenged the way I saw how Jesus sees me. I read,

“No Wait“- we say, cautiously approaching Jesus-“you don’t understand, I really messed up, in all kinds of ways”

I know he responds

“You know most of it, sure. Certainly more than what others see. But there is perversity down inside me that is hidden from everyone.”

I know it all

Well-the things is, it isn’t just my past. It’s my present too”

I understand

“But I don’t know if I can break free of this anytime soon.”

That’s the only type of person I’m here to help

“The burden is heavy-Heavier all the time.”

Then let me carry it

“It’s too much to bear.”

Not for me

“You don’t get it. My offenses aren’t directed towards others, they’re against you.”

Then I am the one most suited to forgive them

“But the more of the ugliness in me you discover, the sooner you’ll get fed up with me.”

Whoever comes to me I will never cast out.

(Ortlund, 2020)

That changed everything. God is nothing like Santa! I don’t need to fix my sin to please God and get on his good side. I can only be free by living in who God says I am, not in my works because God is crazy about me, even on my worst day. I am forgiven, no matter what! 

That is what Christmas is all about!